![\"\"](\"http:\/\/thelehighacresgazette.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/Hansel-Gret_.jpg\" "\\"Hansel")
<\/a><\/p>\nIt\u2019s January, and I know that for three reasons. The first is that the calendar says so. The second is that it\u2019s freezing cold. And the third is that I have to review garbage like \u201cHansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters\u201d. This month is notorious for its awful slate of new releases (not to be confused with awards season favorites like \u201cZero Dark Thirty\u201d that open in limited release the previous year and wait until January to go wide). Studios come down from the holiday rush by releasing the absolute worst of their back catalogue that would get creamed against real competition. But even when taken with this grain of salt, \u201cHansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters\u201d is still a dreadful film.<\/p>\n
The premise is that Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) got such satisfaction out of killing their first witch (she of that infamous gingerbread house and fiery fate) that they made it their life\u2019s work to kill the rest of them. Our heroes are summoned to a small village where about a dozen children have gone missing. They soon discover that a congregation of witches led by Muriel (Famke Janssen) is in town for a ceremony that will make them impervious to fire. Naturally, the ceremony requires a blood sacrifice, and Gretel\u2019s blood fits the bill nicely. But it\u2019s mostly witch and sleazy human blood that gets spilled over the course of the investigation.<\/p>\n
The story seems to take place in 19th<\/sup>-century Germany, yet the characters use modernized, automatic weapons. So not only is the film dumb enough to transport these weapons to its antiquated setting, but it can\u2019t think of a way to kill its witches without cheating and resorting to guns. The promise of brainless violence is one of the film\u2019s selling points, and the guns rob us of some creative 18th<\/sup>-century methods. Also, I kept hoping to see somebody impaled with a broken-off candy cane from the gingerbread house and it never happened.<\/p>\n Most of the story takes place in a forest of unclear dimensions, so at any given time it\u2019s impossible to tell where the characters are in relation to each other. The special effects are terrible; the witches aren\u2019t scary and the action sequences make blatant use of bad CGI. The script is peppered with profanity that is maybe supposed to be funny but really just proves how desperate the film is for a laugh. As for the actors, the film isn\u2019t going to do any favors for the careers of Gemma Arterton or Famke Janssen, but it\u2019s Jeremy Renner who is going to suffer the most because of this mess. This time last year, he was a bankable action star hot off \u201cMission Impossible: Ghost Protocol\u201d. He has since gone on to be the lamest Avenger, the face of the botched \u201cBourne\u201d reboot, and now has this blotch on his permanent record.<\/p>\n I do believe that there\u2019s potential for a good R-rated \u201cHansel and Gretel\u201d movie. But instead of turning the main characters into adults who hunt witches, leave them as children who get lost. There\u2019s plenty of room for twisted, violent imagery in a straight-up adaptation of the Brothers Grimm tale. Plus you don\u2019t get all those embarrassing unintentional laughs when a grown man and woman introduce themselves as Hansel and Gretel. This response to the trailers gave me hope that I might be able to enjoy the film as a sort of comedy. It was a nice hope while it lasted, but it turns out that \u201cHansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters\u201d isn\u2019t enjoyable on any level.<\/p>\n One Star out of Five.<\/p>\n \u201cHansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters\u201d is rated R for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality\/nudity and language. Its running time is 88 minutes.<\/p>\n